WASHINGTON D.C. (Enviro Snowflake Brief)—A stunning discovery by the Secret Service, working with the FBI, determined a shapeshifter trophy hunter is posing as Secretary of Interior Deb Haaland, and her physical whereabouts are unknown and a grave concern.
The Director of the FBI, Christopher Wray, explained at today’s press conference, “Deb Haaland was physically replaced by a shape shifter trophy hunter shortly after she was sworn in as Interior Secretary.”
A stunned press pool listened intently as Secret Service and FBI leadership detailed the unprecedented and alarming case, unthinkably involving one of President Biden’s Cabinet members. “Shapeshifting, also known as metamorphosis, is the power to physically transform and reshape, the form and physical appearance of the user’s body. This is not the movies folks! Deb Haaland is a victim of a shape shifter trophy hunter,” Wray explained from the podium.
According to multiple inside sources, the shape shifter trophy hunter refuses to admit he/she is not Sec. Haaland, and the Secret Service, nor the FBI, have any solution yet to this next generation metamorphosis technology. As multiple government agencies work to prove the theft of Sec. Haaland, the shape shifter trophy hunter is still in her office making official department decisions for our public lands and wildlife.
Inexplicably, the FBI cannot verify 100% she is not… she!
“Endangered Wildlife, in particular, continues to be at further risk until we find the real Deb Haaland. If anyone has any information to assist in finding the real Deb Haaland, please contact the FBI at 1-800-Deb-Help,” announced an FBI spokesman after Director Wray finished his remarks.
“Haaland’s shape shifter trophy hunter, or the mastermind behind the nefarious act, is a clever fellow for sure,” said FBI Special Agent Jared Nutwhacker, who is leading the investigation. The conspiracists had their Haaland shape shifter feign concern for the current state sanctioned gray wolf slaughter by announcing she was having the FWS review wolves’ endangered species status, but everyone knows the study will take a year review process for delisting- a clever win for the wolf killers.
For perspective, Idaho is presently killing 90% of their wolf population, and Montana has gone as far to legalize killing as many Yellowstone Park wolves as possible by baiting them to leave the park boundary, while boasting they will kill 85% of state’s wolf population- an ecological disaster.
In order to stop the slaughter, prominent wildlife biologists, Indigenous tribal leaders, Democratic Senators/Congressmen, and millions of wildlife advocates pleaded with Sec. Haaland’s office to grant emergency protections to wolves before permanently relisting them… to no avail.
The Secret Service became suspicious of Haaland at that point.“Brilliant tactic by the shifty shape shifter trophy hunter! She gave the wolf killing states 12-months to wipe them out without causing too much suspicion to the question, ‘who are you… where are you… Deb Haaland,” explained Nutwhacker.
Director Wray assured the public the Bureau will work 24/7 until the real Deb Haaland is found and the shape shifter trophy hunter is expelled from her office.
(ESB-NOT REAL NEWS)
