STEVENS COUNTY, Washington (Enviro Snowflake Brief)—In a disappointing turn of events, Len McIrvin’s earlier announced plans to turn Diamond M into a wolf sanctuary and local cow petting zoo has been scrapped, according to Len.
What happened?
Len describes the compelling pleas made by local cattlemen, politicians, and Washington Department of Fish & Wildlife. “First and foremost, my cattlemen brethren reminded me there is no easier way to suck up free taxpayer money than the welfare payments us public lands ranchers get from good old Uncle Sam.”
McIrvin was unusually talkative and forthcoming. He continued, “Then I had Don Dashiell, Stevens County Commissioner, and Joel Kretz, state Rep. for the House of Representatives, come by the house. Kretz told me don’t worry about the growing public support for wolves on public lands, and as a good faith gesture he said they would pop off a couple of the new pack in my Profanity Peak grazing area.”
Kretz told Len McIrvin, “as long as the Cattlemen Association keeps filling my wallet, I got your back no matter what the public wants Len. You saw me dodge that last ethics charge.”
The final piece for McIrvin’s decision for Diamond M to remain a working public lands grazing cattle ranch was a phone call from Kelly Susewind, Director of Washington Department of Fish & Wildlife, promising to attribute three more Diamond M cattle deaths to mental stress from wolves.
Dir. Susewind added, “Len, you can actually ride in the Wildlife Services helicopter when they go gunning for the wolves this time.”
McIrvin said, “WDFW’s offer was real nice, since Conservation Northwest had apparently scrapped their plans for the Helicopter Rodeo fundraiser after they all of sudden got mad at us ranchers for demanding more wolf killings.”
An anonymous source, who works at Diamond M, told this reporter, “Don’t be confused thinking McIrvin ever all of sudden loved wolves with that wolf sanctuary bullshit. His real plan was to breed them and sell their pelts without the public knowing. He told me he prayed about it, and changed his mind.”
“He kinda likes watching his cattle go to the slaughterhouse so the petting zoo would bore him,” added the rancher’s worker.”
(NOT REAL NEWS)
WRITER’S NOTE: Truth vs satire for today’s article: FindItHere
