BOISE, IDAHO (Enviro Snowflake Brief)— U.S. Sens. Mike Crapo and Jim Risch, along with Rep. Mike Simpson, held an unannounced press conference today to admit their testicles (two each) were taken hostage, and are stashed in a powerful Idaho rancher’s saddle bag.
The Idaho High Plains Moocher rancher mafia pushed too hard this time by demanding each of their balless politicians fight U.S. Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Oregon legislation in Congress (known as Canyon’s Law) that would implement a nationwide ban on two lethal poisons used for wildlife control — the sodium cyanide used in M-44s and Compound 1080.
These three eunuch Idaho politicians remained rancher obedient until today!
Sen. Crapo said, “The ranchers told us we can’t support any legislation that involves making M-44s (cyanide bombs) illegal, or they will never give us our testicles back, even after we leave office, but I can’t live with myself.”
Rep. Simpson spoke emotionally today about the shame he felt knowing the story of Pocatello area teenager, Canyon Mansfield, who two years ago accidently triggered a M-44 device 300 yards from his Pocatello home. The young teen watched his dog die, as well as he continues to experience ongoing health challenges from the poison.
“As we three tiny balless men stand here today, Canyon’s courage and tireless dedication to protecting people, pets and wildlife from deadly ‘cyanide bombs,’ legislative action has accelerated in spite of our efforts to stop him,” stated the contrite and ashamed Senator.
Sen. Risch added in closing remarks to reporters, “Today my Republican Idaho colleagues and I realize our testicles will likely not be returned or found because we will now stand with Canyon’s Law and join the fight to ban these dangerous devices from our lands.”
During the press conference, staff members stood behind their three distraught elected officials with signs offering a $25,000 reward for anyone who can locate their stolen testicles before it is too late.
It’s too late.
