SPOKANE, Washington (Enviro Snowflake Brief)—Rumors have swirled for years in eastern Washington about the secret society of McIrvin worshipers (his followers call him My Holy Cow), and today, the Seattle Times goes to press with photos, videos, text messages, and taped phone calls, supporting the paper’s fourteen-month investigation. In stunning detail, it confirms many state politicians are “mind controlled” by the cult leader, Len McIrvin, the notorious public lands welfare rancher.
Investigative environmental reporter Evan Bush, summed up the team’s findings succinctly, “creepy as Hell,” exhaled the shaken reporter at the Seattle Times press conference this morning, prior to the investigative report being published in this evening’s edition.
Evan Bush explained:
“The night I was convinced this cult was real was when we were hiding behind some trees in a remote area of the Colville National Forest staring 50 feet down the hill hardly believing what we were witnessing through the illumination of the campfire’s glow. Cathy McMorris Rodgers, a U.S. Congresswoman, Joel Kretz, a state legislator, and Don Dashiell, the County Commissioner of Stevens County were all dressed in only an oversized diaper, on their knees, reverently bowing to Len McIrvin, who was standing over them and raging with flailing arms saying ‘he could feel God in his toes telling him to command his My Holy Cow followers to ‘protect the cow at any cost’ using any political means legal, or not, to eradicate the gray wolf from Washington public lands, to vow to never allow the grizzly to take but one step alive on these sacred cow public lands, and to always refer to cattlemen as conservationists.”
Frank Blethen, the publisher of the Seattle Times closed the press conference after Reporter Bush’s remarks by tipping more bombshells in the report, “Evan’s description of that one night only scratches the surface of what you will read in our report.” Mr. Blethen also insinuated being “mind controlled” by My Holy Cow McIrvin does not stop with these three politicians, and moreover, it is not exclusive to Republicans in the state. The Publisher hinted further, “Perhaps after you finish reading the report tonight it will make more sense why Gov. Inslee has been silent while Len McIrvin again and again pressured WDFG, along with Rodgers, Kretz, and Dashiell, to order the slaughter of endangered gray wolves on public lands he uses for grazing his Diamond M cattle in eastern Washington.”
One local TV reporter asked Evan how did this get overlooked when the Governor had created a Wolf Advisory Board to oversee co-existence with wolves and cattle on public lands. Reporter Bush quickly responded, “Every damn one of them were recruited to the My Holy Cow McIrvin cult, which is obvious when you look back at recent unexplainable behavior defending killing wolves by Mitch Friedman from Conservation NorthWest.” (NOT REAL NEWS)
WRITER’S NOTE: Truth vs satire for today’s article: FindItHere
