WASHINGTON D.C. (Enviro Snowflake Brief)— President Donald J. “Bunker Boy” Trump horrified Americans Monday night, who witnessed peaceful protesters violently dispersed by Park Police in order to secure “Bunker Boy’s” hastily arranged “holy workout” path through Lafayette Park, and up to St. John’s Church, where his “bible press” exercise station was established with his lapdog entourage.   

Trump’s testosterone, tough-guy Rose Garden speech was predictable, but no one saw the exercise on his calendar (ever) leading to his heroic, brave Fitbit tracked walk past the safety of the White House grounds and his basement bunker.

An anonymous White House staffer said, “President Trump has been an avid opponent of exercise of any kind, but he has been on a binge eating Big Macs and fries since all this rioting started. He says it’s comfort food down in his bunker.”

The staffer added, “We think between Pelosi pointing out he is morbidly obese, his pundits nicknaming him President “Bunker Boy,” and Jerry Falwell Jr. not returning his call last week, Trump had to do something. It was his idea to do the “holy workout” after his Rose Garden statement on ‘Why America Needs a Dictator.’”

Attorney General Barr gave Trump his Fitbit (in his desk never used) for the Presidential “holy workout,” then Barr waddled to the park to instruct the Park to clear the POTUS “holy workout” path using brute force and pepper balls (CDC defines as “tear gas”).

Trump would not share with White House reporters his steps or heart rate data from the Fitbit monitored “holy workout,” but he did speak to Fox News afterward.

“You can count my bible presses (one handed) if you watch our Re-election campaign ad already released showing all my best steps in slow-mo, including a split screen of my military police whacking some Australian cameraman in the face as I get a full bible extension on my press- strong and dominating.”   

Trump was overheard asking Jared Kushner “has Jerry (Rev. Falwell) called yet.”

(ESB-NOT REAL NEWS)