ATLANTA, Georgia (Enviro Snowflake Brief- Not Real News)—The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has discovered a deadly contagion outbreak in the West Wing, in which, astoundingly, President Trump is the confirmed carrier. Patients suffer physically with an invasive creeping orange hue to the hair and skin, and it progresses in late stages with severe head bloating and eventual death.
Equally puzzling symptoms are the mental impairment characteristics which causes victims to lose their ability to tell the truth, as well as erasing any sense of empathy and compassion from their personalities. The CDC has named it, The Trumpian Contagion.
Robert R. Redfield, MD, Director of CDC says, “Our President is the contagion carrier, but we are optimistic because President Trump has been functioning with multiple symptoms for most of his adult life without infecting anyone until recently, and he is unlikely to become gravely ill before the end of his one term.”
Director Redfield downplayed any need for public panic because The Trumpian Contagion is extremely narrow in scope relative to who is susceptible to contract the infectious microbe. “The only people who can contract this virus have two common traits- close contact working for President Trump, and who tested positive for a rare personality disorder gene shared by President Trump,” explained the Director.
Although the names of the patients currently diagnosed with the virus were not publicly released by the CDC, an anonymous CDC inside source has confirmed two patient’s identity to the New York Times. They are former Presidential Press Secretary, Sara Huckabee Sanders, and former DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who lead President Trump’s migrant family separation policy.
Both have been quarantined at Guantánamo Bay.
The CDC also has a quarantine warrant out for current Trump Senior Policy Advisor, Steven Miller. The CDC released a rare public health alert inside the White House on the urgent need to lock him up in spite of no physical orange hueing symptoms yet.
The CDC Director says, “Mr. Miller’s obvious mental impairment symptom of a complete lack of empathy and compassion is so acute we fear the contagion is close to hitting Stage 4, which will be the peak risk period to transmit the infectious microbe to others.
“If you’re listening to us Steven, do the right thing here and turn yourself in- not for others wellbeing of course, but because President Trump promises to name a portion of his new two-hundred-yard WALL My Mini Me Steven,” pleaded Dr. Redfield.
At this time, the CDC has no active studies, no treatment protocols, no vaccines, and no plans to eradicate the Trumpian Contagion.
