WHITEFISH, MONTANA (ENVIRO SNOWFLAKE BRIEF)— In a stunning development this morning at 5:37a.m. PCT, Santa Claus released a video explaining that Ryan Zinke left him no choice but to be taken for a couple of years of seclusion and meditation for the sake of children everywhere.
Zinke — 57 and the first Montanan to have served in a presidential Cabinet, resigned in disgrace earlier this month amid multiple ethical investigations, and at least one probe referred to the Justice Department involving a land deal Zinke struck with the chairman of oil services giant Halliburton.
An emotional Santa Claus explained that Zinke’s legal troubles were not a factor in taking the soulless former Secretary, and placing him in a safe dark hole with food and water.
“Ryan Zinke named Teddy Roosevelt as a hero, and in his confirmation hearing he cited the Boy Scouts’ motto to leave a place in better condition than you found it. All the while, this morally bankrupt, extraction industry pawn lead changes to policies to devastate our public lands, assure extinction for some of the U.S. most iconic wildlife, and he did it all with a smirk and a mean spirited personality unleashed on his fellow man,” an angry Santa said.
Santa continued, “My ‘bad list’ for Ryan never seems to end, but it begins with too much ego, greed, lack of respect for others, and the poster child for what an eco-terrorist in government looks like to our children’s future.”
Santa quoted a leader from National Audubon Society as he hoped for better leaders in America’s future, “The secretary of the interior shoulders is an awesome responsibility to steward much of what most defines us as Americans: our iconic landscapes, treasured wildlife, abundant resources, historic landmarks, and sacred obligations to our nation’s first peoples.”
As Santa’s video faded out you could see Santa had shot the video on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge as the beloved most famous gray wolf of Yellowstone, 06, flanked Santa on one side and 06’s equally famous daughter, 926-Spitfire, who recently crossed the bridge to join her Mom, laid comfortably with her snout on Santa’s boot and a front paw nudging across at 06’s ear.
Merry Christmas to all who support public lands, balanced ecosystems, and appreciate all wildlife as sentient beings that feel, hope, love, and just want to live their life like all of us.
