WHITEFISH, MONTANA (Enviro Snowflake Brief)— Secretary of Interior, Ryan Zinke, suffered non-life-threatening injuries after a bowhunter mistakes him for a dangerous non-native critter in the Piper Creek drainage in the Swan Valley Wednesday morning.
Montana Fish, Wildlife & Parks officials report the bowhunter noticed movement next to a tree about 20 yards, and felt the presence of a dangerous non-native critter on our public lands. She took aim and fired her arrow at the body area she thought most likely stored this particular critter’s intelligence- squarely in Zinke’s buttocks.
MFWP officials said the incident remains under investigation, given the bowhunter shot a United States Cabinet member. “There will be a thorough review of the incident to determine if criminal charges are warranted, but honestly, the bar is so low for our hunters to identify their prey before pulling the trigger, and also, if you have been within twenty yards of Zinke, you do smell a strong stench of danger to the whole ecosystem out here,” stated the agency spokesman.
The unidentified hunter’s attorney, Wild Bill Johnson, in an attempt to assure his client will not be charged said the hunter will claim her innocence under the McKittrick Policy. The baffling Department of Justice policy states the DOJ will “only prosecute when it could be proved that an individual specifically intended to engage in the ‘take’ of an endangered species.”
Conservation groups site several instances where ESA-protected species were poached without DOJ prosecution thanks to the McKittrick Policy — including California condors, Florida panthers, grizzlies, and at least 48 Mexican gray wolves, and dozens of red wolves.
Attorney Johnson confidently stated, “If a Montana hunter can’t tell the difference in a black bear and a grizzly, well, my client sure as Hell can’t tell the difference in a dangerous non-native critter or a very endangered Sec. of Interior Zinke.”
Sec. Zinke was airlifted to North Valley hospital in Whitefish for treatment. Zinke released a statement saying, “As I suffer from my injuries, I hope Montanans will now consider some sympathy for me. While I have worked to enrich my friends in the fossil fuel industry, they have stopped returning my calls this week fearing I’m getting fired and going to jail.
Zinke concluded his statement with a plea, “Please donate to my ‘GoFundme A Prick’ legal defense fund (www.gofundme.com/the-prick), or at least plan to be a patron of the ‘Lola & Ryan’ future Whitefish microbrewery to be built when I get out (of prison).”
WRITER’S NOTE: Truth vs satire for today’s article: FindItHere
