WASHINGTON D.C. (Enviro Snowflake Brief)— Helmut Wakeham, the deceased Head of R&D of Philip Morris, reached up to President Donald J. Trump earlier today from HELL to express how excited they all were for him to personally help the dead tobacco boys justify inviting the first woman and African American to their future Monsanto luncheon in HELL, after Trump announced he will nominate Aurelia Skipwith to lead the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service (USFWS).
As ESB reported in August, there is a planned future luncheon in HELL for Monsanto executives hosted by several infamous, deceased tobacco 1970s leaders.
Mr. Wakeham told the President on their phone call this morning, “Our bar is extremely high in comparing Monsanto executives to our tobacco comrades down here, and unfortunately, we lack any kind of diversity at the table for this future luncheon in HELL with us tobacco boys.”
An unnamed White House aide described Trump smiling on the call with the dead guy in HELL. “It creeped me out thinking where that call came from, but President Trump just loved the love the guy was giving him,” explained the aide.
Helmut Wakeman, deceased, continued on the call to effusively thank the President, “You made our day down here Mr. President! Ms. Skipwith is worthy, of course, no experience with wildlife needed, ha ha! Based on her Monsanto days, her lobbying for agrochemical days, her recent devious work for Sec. Zinke dismantling wildlife and national monument protections … and based on the guaranteed ‘hell’ (pardon the pun) she will unleash on wildlife as your Director of USFWS, all makes this woman a slam dunk within a year to get an invite from us. We owe you Mr. President,” the voice from HELL said.
Meanwhile on Earth, conservation groups condemned Skipwith’s nomination, noting Trump continued a trend of filling top environmental regulatory positions with officials from companies regulated by that very agency. Skipwith’s duties, once confirmed, will include enforcing federal wildlife laws, protecting endangered species, managing migratory birds, and conserving wildlife habitat, which she has zero experience in any of these areas.
An inside source from the DOI told CNN that Sec. Zinke hosted a celebratory luncheon for Ms. Skipwith today with a few Safari Club trophy hunter donors and several extraction industry lobbyists. In addition, top brass from Monsanto attended, but they looked a little shaken after hearing about this luncheon in HELL that keeps coming up in the News.
WRITER’S NOTE: Truth vs satire for today’s article: FindItHere
