CENTER CITY, HELL (Enviro Snowflake Brief)— Last month, we wrote a story on deceased tobacco executives in HELL announcing their future luncheon for Monsanto executives ‘”down under.” We have an update.

The luncheon’s planning committee chair, Helmut Wakeham, the deceased Head of Research and Development of Philip Morris, called an unscheduled press briefing last night.

Mr. Wakeham explained that the committee followed the recent Monsanto trial in which jurors awarded Lee Johnson $289 million to punish Monsanto after finding it liable for failing to warn of Roundup’s risks.

The deceased Mr. Wakeham in HELL shared, “We were all a bit giddy down here listening to Monsanto Vice President, Scott Partridge, after the verdict.”

Monsanto’s Partridge stated at the press briefing, “glyphosate does not cause cancer, and did not cause Mr. Johnson’s cancer.” Partridge also asserted that Johnson’s attorneys made a series of false statements, including comparing Monsanto’s behavior to that of tobacco companies.

“I couldn’t have come across any better than Scott back in my day. Mr. Partridge can be assured, we have reserved him a seat ‘down under’ for the luncheon,” announced the dead tobacco executive.

Writer’s Note: Truth vs satire for today’s article: FindItHere